


R.I.P. Adolescence

by ladycinnamon



Category: Life Is Strange (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Diary/Journal, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Gen, Headcanon, M/M, Multi, Other, Smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-17
Updated: 2018-12-23
Packaged: 2019-03-20 10:12:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,983
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13715502
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ladycinnamon/pseuds/ladycinnamon
Summary: Rachel Amber has always been the perfect girl in the eyes of everyone who crossed her path. No one ever understood what caused her secret downfall, considering everything conspired on her favor. They all believed that one day she would be a star, and, indeed, she became one.Follow the pages of her secret diary, that resume Rachel Amber’s most intimate thoughts from the day she moved to Arcadia Bay up until her last week alive. Maybe then it will be possible to understand how a person that had everything could voluntarily destroy herself with such intensity.





	1. The Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> I originally posted this on portuguese in another site for the brazilian community to read, but my friends always told me to create an account on AO3 and they helped me translate the chapters so I could post it in english aswell. I'm sorry if it's not perfect, I'm not used to writing in another language, but I'll do my best to improve each time! :)
> 
> My inspiration for this series was, of course, "The Secret Diary of Laura Palmer", written by David Lynch's daughter, Jennifer. I'm a huge fan of Twin Peaks, and since Rachel was inspired by Laura, I thought it made sense to write Rachel's own diary about her secret life. I hope you all enjoy it!

**September 9th, 2009**  
  
  
Dear Diary,   
  


This is what you write when you start a diary, isn’t it? I have tried to keep diaries in the past, but turns out my life wasn’t that interesting, and I would always end up getting sick of it after a few days. Being a happy kid was tedious to write, I suppose. However, a life full of events can also make your wrists hurt when trying to transcribe everything to the pages, so I promised myself that I will only write what I think it’s absolutely necessary, especially my inner thoughts and confessions. Maybe this time I will sustain the habit?

Well, I think I need to let you know who I am and in what circumstances I find myself at the moment. My name is Rachel Dawn Amber, I’m fifteen years old and I was born in California. Three days ago, me and my family moved to a little coastal town in Oregon called Arcadia Bay, because my father is the new district attorney of the State. This promotion was good for him, but not so much for me. I hated leaving Long Beach, where I was born and raised, to move to a completely different town. Even more so because not even two days had passed and I was already starting out in a high school full of strangers.

Socializing was never an issue for me. I will confess that I actually really enjoy all the attention I got from being the new girl in town. Everyone wanted to talk to me, know about where I come from, and all those kinds of things. Now, Diary, I will tell you the real secret to make fast friends. Always smile — as sincerely as you can, of course —, make some small talk and, after briefly analyzing the person, tell them what they want to hear. It’s simpler than it looks. If they are overdressed, they will probably want you to compliment their style. If the person has a crazy hair, praise it. More sensitive people will appreciate compliments about their personality. After you learn the basics, it gets really easy to analyze people and say the right thing at the right time.

Does it make me an insincere person? I don’t think so. I only compliment people if it’s from the bottom of my heart. I’m not going to tell a person with a really bad fashion sense that they could try a career at the fashion world. For me, this technique is only a guarantee that people will feel good around me, and thus they won’t exclude me like I'm a loner freak. True friendship needs a real connection to happen.  _This_  is the most difficult part.

These first two days at school, I hung out with the most extroverted clique that I’d met there. I became especially close to Dana and Juliet, but I also get along just fine with the rest. Sometimes they have some really futile conversations, which is not bad because, hey, we are teenagers, but they tend to be dickheads every once in a while. For example, sometimes the boys — especially Hayden, Zack and Logan — rank the beauty of the freshman girls and start making fun of the ones that receive lower grades. It revolts me abdsurdly, but when they gave me a high grade, I confess that I felt… No, not honored. Flattered? Maybe this is not the right word. Anyhow, I shouldn’t take as a compliment this kind of silly game made by boys that haven’t even hit puberty yet.

It’s not that I dislike like them because of those things, although I feel like I don’t really fit into this group. I can come up with common interests to talk about with them and everyone seems to enjoy my company, but it’s not the same thing. Our energies just don’t seem to match. And speaking about different energies, there is this girl, Victoria Chase.

Of course I noticed Victoria as soon as I got to Blackwell. She was the girl with the most expensive clothes, the most stylish haircut, and the strongest perfume amongst all of the freshman girls. In my first impression, she was your typical snobbish rich girl, but seeing her laughing so sincerely with Taylor Christensen, I thought I was judging her too soon. I wish! She is what I call a “phony”. Everything she has ever said to me up until now were insults disguised as compliments, and the first time I ever heard her speak was to make fun of Alyssa, another freshman. I don’t know if she finds herself so smart that I won’t notice her shady insults, or if she actually wants me to understand them, which is even more pathetic and worth of pity. Victoria Chase really thinks she is the Regina George prototype.

And even so, I still chose to play her little game, but better. I would pay to see the confusion on her face again and again. The day she admits her loss, I will let her know she wasn’t even a player in the first place. Poor girl, I’m sure she is just dying of envy because of all the attention I’m getting instead of her.

You know what, Diary? I was hesitant to write stuff on you, because even if it was my parents’ idea to help me adaptate in the new town, I was still afraid they would invade my privacy and use you to find out all my secrets. It sounds silly when I stop to think about it. Mom trusts me blindly, and dad, even though sterner, is too busy hiding his own stuff to care about what I hide myself. It wasn’t always like that. I’d like to think that this has to do with his work consuming him. I don’t know if this is just me trying to ignore the elephant in the room. Maybe it is. I don’t care.

Oh, since I also don’t care anymore about the possibility that my parents might read you — or even find you, because I found a GREAT hiding spot — I will tell you one more thing to end this entry. Yesterday, at lunch, when I sat for the first time with that clique I told you about, every single one of them had to confess something. It could be a forbidden desire, something wrong they did in the past, a guilty pleasure, anything! The majority of the guys lied, making up stories about how they “lost their virginity”. It was so obvious they were lying, specially because I’m a pro at detecting bullshit. I’m like a lie detector, if I can say so myself. But this is not what I wanted to tell you.

When it was my turn, I confessed I had kissed some girls back in California. I got every kind of reaction, which was kinda funny. I almost exploded when one of the guys started to fetichize, but I already knew it was going to happen, and Victoria and her little minions made homophobic comments, which didn’t surprise me either. Sometimes I wonder if this is one of their secret fantasies and that’s why they say stuff like that, in order to not give themselves away. Anyway, the cool part of the group told them to shut up and were super understanding. In the end, most of them thought it was awesome, like it was something all cool kids from the West Coast did.

I don’t see it that way, though. It always came naturally to me and… I don’t know. I never thought about it. I just do what I want to do, you know? If I want to kiss a guy and he never makes a move, I do it for him. Same thing with girls. If I get horny in their company, why not give it a go? What is stopping me? I wouldn’t want to die without knowing how it feels. And, you know what? I will tell you how it is when you are with a girl.

Their kiss is smoother, because girls don’t have a beard, so their skin feels like velvet to touch. All of the girls I kissed had such a nice smell, kinda… sweet? Every kiss is different, but I feel that, in general, girls are more delicate and want to please me more. One of them liked to pull me by my neck, and would increase the speed as the kiss got more intense. Another one used her hands to caress carefully through my body, as if to see if I would give consent. Her fingers would draw circles on my waist, going up and down, and giving me goosebumps. After that, she would put her hand on my lower back for a while, pulling me closer. Sometimes, her hands stopped at my bralette, making me feel her fingertips touching my small breasts.

I had to make a pause, because remembering and writing down those things was making me horny. Do I need to be more objective? Yes, I stopped to rub one. I think that now that I’ve learned how to do it feeling more pleasure, it has become more frequent. No, I’m not going to make a tutorial on how to do this. It’s just too far. Also, it could make me horny again and I have to sleep soon.

Just for future statistic data, I’ve already kissed seven boys and three girls, with my first kiss happening at the age of twelve. I don’t remember much of it, just that it was really bad. The best kiss I ever had was with Claire Hudgens. The girl with the restless hands. She was taller than me, older, and had cool clothes. Claire liked punk rock and skating, so I took an interest too, because she interested me. On our first kiss, she pressed me against an arcade machine. I felt an intense and weird vibration between my legs and, after the kiss ended, I stood still for a few seconds, just feeling out of breath and expressionless. She laughed, not because she was making fun of me, but maybe because she was just as embarrassed as me, so I laughed too. After that, Claire gave me a quick peck on the lips and left.

I only made out with that girl three or four times, but I will never forget her. I don’t think that I was ever in love with Claire Hudgens, but I was definitely in love with her kiss.

Shit, there it is. I’m feeling that heat again. I’m going to drink a glass of water and get ready for bed, so I won’t have these thoughts again and won't end up losing my sleep. Tomorrow, I have more school. Besides, I really need to rest my wrist, especially after writing for more than an hour.  
  
  


Yours,

R.A.


	2. 09-11-2009 and 09-13-2009

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hello, darlings! I know at this point, almost a year later, everyone just thought I abandoned it for good (and yeah, I considered doing so), but I'm on my break from college now and decided to give it another shot :) Anyway, I hope you all enjoy it, and please beware of the fact that english is my second language so there may be mistakes! See ya

September 11th, 2009

 

Dear Diary,

  
I'm sorry I din’t write anything yesterday. I had a ton of homework to do and I had to help my folks with the bokes boxing. The house is still pretty empty considering we only finished unpacking last night. Amongst dad's papers, I found a very large map of the United States and asked him to put it on my wall. One day I hope to do a roadtrip across the country!

Not much happened in these last couple of days, to be honest. Dana and Juliet called me to do something tomorrow, because it's saturday, and I accepted. I have no idea what their plans are, so it will be a complete surprise. They are up to no good. I know the expressions of malice on their faces, because I see it on the mirror from time to time.

Apart from that, there was this weird thing at lunch. I had a moment of withdrawing, since the conversation had taken a course that was not to my liking, so I focused on my daydreams. At that moment, I was staring at a table, but I felt a pair of eyes fixed on me. When I lifted my face, I was met with the owner of said pair, none other than Nathan Prescott, staring at me quite strangely. Although, he quickly turned his face away when he noticed me staring back.

Of course, you don’t know Nathan. Well, that makes you the only one in Arcadia Bay, Diary. His family is simply the richest in this town. And no, he doesn't fit the snobbish kind like Victoria Chase. Yeah, Nathan is always wearing expensive clothes and that greasy hair of his, but at the same time he's so quiet and reserved that you'd barely notice him except when he laughs and make occasional comments. If it were not for the influence of his powerful family and his friendship with Victoria, I don’t think Nathan would be so welcome in the popular clique. The boys' group even seems to reject him a little. It's something rather strange.

I do not know how to define him exactly. Nathan Prescott is still a mystery to me, which is a big deal, since I can read people so easily. People do not mess with him, but they find him weird. He's always out there with a binder that no one can touch. When he decides to socialize, Nathan is just like to any other teenager, but when he shuts himself off, it’s almost as if he enters a trance, closed in his own mind. Sometimes he swings back and forth, as if he were cradling himself. The more I try to understand him, the more his complexity fascinates me. Who is Nathan Prescott, anyway? Even I can’t I tell you.

I cannot say I was intimidated or frightened by his staring, but I was certainly intrigued. It was probably nothing. Just as I got lost in thoughts while staring at the table, Nathan must have done the same thing but looking in my direction. Sometimes I feel he doesn’t like me at all. He never spoke directly to me. Or am I imagining things?

It's already late, Diary. I need to sleep. Tomorrow I'll tell you what I did with Dana and Juliet!

  
  
With love,

R. A..

 

 

September 13, 2009 2:40 AM

 

Dear Diary,

 

I'm exhausted! I don’t even know how to begin to explain how my saturday was, because I don’t even know if I will have the strength to. Here we go.

Shortly after lunch, Dana and Juliet passed by my house to fetch me, and then we began to walk, aimlessly. I asked what we were going to do and they just stared at me and smiled. Of course it was trouble, so I obviously decided to go on with them.

They ended up leading me to a house. There, we were greeted by an older guy in his twenties, and you could see very well that he was high. Juliet said it was her cousin's house, and that there was a small "get-together" going on. The smell of marijuana was impossible to ignore, and they soon offered us a newly-wired joint. Dana wrinkled her nose and politely refused, but Juliet promptly picked it up, took a lighter out of her pocket, and lit it. After pulling a smoke, she offered it to me and I did the same. The guy who offered the joint then put his hand on my ass and I impulsively burned it with the burning tip. I think he was too stunned to react, because he just fell back and massaged his burned arm as he looked at me pretty mad. As a consequence, I laughed, in a mixture of nervousness and satisfaction.

There were also some kids around our age in the party, who skateboarded and wore clothes accordingly so. I can only remember the names of two of them, Justin and Trevor. Both seemed to have taken an interest in Dana, but she did not even give them a chance. It looked like she was in another world. By the way, Juliet also noticed her lack of harmony because she pulled her into a corner and they seemed to be talking about something. After that, Dana became looser and even smoked with us.

I asked why Juliet had not invited the rest of the clique, and she said it was because that kind of party did not suit their style. Said they had a vibe of their own and that it "would not meet their requirements", especially Victoria Chase’s. So I questioned why she mingled with them, and Juliet asked me back the same. We both started laughing and she pulled me to dance.

We started to dance very close and even somewhat sensuous, and that's when I noticed more than a dozen people with their eyes fixated on the two of us. She and I started giggling a lot, because everything was absurdly funny at the time, and I felt like I was floating to the music. Then Juliet whispered in my ear that it would probably be very funny if we kissed right there, and that's what we did. I don’t even remember how it felt, because the kiss didn’t last that long, but soon afterwards there was a male hand holding me by the back of my neck, pulling me away from her and kissing me ferociously.

Under normal circumstances, I probably would have pushed him, but right then I even enjoyed that mild brutality. He led me to the nearest couch, where people left to give us space, and stood over me, without interrupting the kiss. By the beard, I could tell he was older, and certainly he must have finished puberty some time ago. My body was absurdly sensitive, so when his hands began to wander around my waist, I left out a soft moan. Then he stopped kissing my mouth and started kissing my neck. That's when I started staring at the ceiling and tried to process what was happening. Yes, I was very horny, but it didn’t seem right for me to go any further, so I pushed him gently and started snickering.

As if not understanding the message, he immediately plunged back into my neck, trying to reach into my pants, so I shoved him again. He seemed to get a little annoyed and grabbed me again, with a certain aggressiveness that started to frighten me. I was not turned on anymore, I was scared. I tried to kick him, push him away, but he kept pinning me. On that moment, I think I feared for the worst, but Justin, Trevor and Dana got him off me and Juliet's cousin kicked him out of the party.

I sat there shaking, not speaking for a while. Then, after a few seconds, I broke the ice by asking where Juliet was. _"Playing seven minutes in Heaven",_ was her cousin's reply, indifferent. As soon as the storeroom door was opened and Juliet came out, I asked to leave. Even without understanding, Juliet saw that I was upset and the three of us left almost without saying goodbye.

We could not go home in that condition, and we were hungrier than ever, but none of us had a single penny stuck in our pockets. I think it came from me the idea to steal some things from a convenience store. Dana was frightened by the possibility of being caught, but Juliet only covered her mouth with her hand as she laughed and made _"Shh..."_. In the next second, there we were stuffing snacks, chapsticks and chocolate bars inside our clothing.

Dana touched my shoulder and said it was time to leave quietly, but I either go big or go home. When I was sure no one was watching, I also stole a bottle of beer, and we managed to go unnoticed almost miraculously. My heart was jumping like crazy. My legs were a little wobbly. The feel of the adrenaline was making me even higher than I already was.

It was already the beginning of the night when we stopped on a random sidewalk to eat and drink the little prizes from our theft. We took the opportunity to talk about many things, especially school and how my life was like in California. I talked about how I wanted to be an actress and a model, and the two of them told me about the school's theater club, which they themselves were thinking about participating. Dana also told us about how many people encouraged her to be a model because of her height (she's actually quite tall, just like Taylor), but she didn’t think she could handle it. On another occasion I would have encouraged her. Don’t get me wrong, Diary. I just felt a twinge of envy, because Dana would have more chances than I ever would if I tried to pursue this career, because of her height. I think I just didn’t want competition. Dunno. It’s not like I discouraged her either, I just kept my mouth shut. Ugh, how I would kill to be 5 inches taller!

Juliet then said that her dream is to be a journalist, and that she wants to publish bestsellers and interview celebrities, but her real desire is to make articles of great resonance on social issues. Listening to Watson talk about her dream made me feel so futile. I know this isn’t true, because I know myself better than anyone else, it’s only that sometimes I feel like I am so deeply flawed. Like I'm a cancerogenous, bad, infectious person. In summary, sometimes I don’t consider myself a good person. I feel like I'm rotten inside. When I stopped to reflect that I was smoking and drinking without my parents even knowing where I was,  stealing a store and kissing an older guy, I felt like such a terrible daughter.

At that point, my mood dropped a lot, and I think the girls noticed, because we started trying to stay sober up as fast as we could to go home. Less than an hour later, they accompanied me back to my house and said goodbye with a kiss on my cheek. It was around 10 pm.

Fortunately, my father was locked up in his office, so obsessed with his own work that he didn’t notice me arriving home at somewhat late hours. Mom had gone to bed early as well. So I went upstairs, took a cold shower, and got ready to bed. Except I couldn’t sleep, even if I was exhausted.

A movie of the events of yesterday kept repeating itself in my mind, and every time I closed my eyes, inevitably a nightmare would begin to unfold and I would open my eyes, scared and breathless.

I saw Nathan Prescott's face in the darkness, staring at me in silence. He said he knew all my secrets, and that I was a very naughty and selfish little girl. Then half a dozen of hands came out of nowhere and tried to grab me, and I opened my eyelids, still feeling drowsy. After several of these nightmares in a row, I decided to write to you so I could try not to be overcomed by exhaustion, but it is not working so well. I can’t move my wrist anymore... I need to... Sleep...  
  


R.A.

 

  
  
LATER

  
Diary,

  
I'm afraid. I feel like I’m being watched. It's already morning, but I still feel the darkness calling my name and using all my insecurities against me. I did not sleep much. What do I do? What is there to do? I feel like Arcadia Bay is a city full of skeletons in the closets, and that I'm going to bump into one of them anytime soon. I feel... That this town is trying to whisper something to me... Am I going crazy?


End file.
